Accepting my own body now that I live a healthier life and actually eat rather than starve myself as I did in my teens into my early 20s has been quite a challenge.
As a child I was never slim, I was what you'd call "fuller" but not fat. I had a bit I could grab and that was it.
In my more self-conscious teens I started eating less food. I basically lived on candy... And from the age of 18 to about 21 I lived on an occasional pizza, booze and meal replacement meals because I was lazy. I looked what was considered attractive back then, slim, could wear ANY skimpy outfit without pouring over anywhere.
But that all changed quickly as that lifestyle made me seriously I'll. To this day I have a very strange relationship with alcohol, I was not far from becoming an alcoholic, addicted to not feel and to avoid any responsibilities and thoughts after being quite a depressed teen.
Fast forward to today, I'm the healthiest I've been in my life.
I have been on a very long journey to help my body work better and get the nutrients I need for a well running mind. As healthy as I am today, I do love my treats and am living a much more sedentary life compared to back when I was starving myself.
I really want to get stronger now rather than slimmer.
I'm conscious of my body and I dress a bit more appropriate for me to look my best.
I love my life right now, sure I have a few days every now and then that I feel a bit down about not being the slim vixen I used to be but realistically it's not hard getting there.
I'm constantly learning about my body.
I never knew there was so much to it before and it was an even bigger eye opener when I did a bit of amateur modelling a few years back. I was tracking what I ate, strictly 1200 calories a day. I lost a few kilos but nothing crazy as I was the biggest I had been in my life when I got married due to the big lifestyle change that had happened of not drinking and partying on almost a daily basis. And I ate food!!! But seeing yourself as someone else sees you is quite strange... I NEVER saw myself as a very feminine or sensual being, I've always known I'm not bad looking but it felt foreign to me for many years as I grew up as a tomboy not every getting any attention until my late teens.
My wardrobe today is something my 17 year old self would probably frown upon but that's OK. I much rather put on a tank top with baggy jeans over a mini skirt, high heels and a skimpy top. I'm not judging anyone who's comfortable in that type of clothing!!! It's just not me anymore.
I love treating myself.
And I love being healthy, treats aren't necessarily unhealthy treats. My view on food has changed big time since I went vegan. Now I'm all about balancing nutrients and a treat is an avocado on toast or a bowl of grapes, occasionally a bag of chips because I do not kid myself.
I look at my flubber around my body and I'm at peace with it. It's not going to be there forever, it's not that I mind it but it's also not how I see myself in myself. I want to be the best version of myself at all times but for now I'm simply happy with my not so perfect body. I also don't have a single piece of clothing I can't fit into, I refuse to torture myself and hold on to an image of myself I will never want to be part of again. Those jeans we "one day will get back into" serve as nothing more than a guilt trap. Find a healthy diet to suit you, stick to it and work from there.
Don't hold on to things you realistically don't want for yourself, it's OK to change. It's OK to gain a kg or 10. I weigh exactly 10 kgs more than I did during my starving period.
Just look after yourself.
Stay focused on what matters and what matters is being healthy for yourself and the people you love. There's nothing worse than realizing you were harming yourself because of a horrible diet... And it's really expensive in the long run! Health is the only thing we have genuine power over.
Anyhow, you get the jist of it by now I hope.
I'm off to make myself breakfast!
Take care. ❤