I know it has been quiet on my platforms lately but there has been a good reason for it.
I've been working on myself a little.
Took a major step in my health journey this past week.
It has taken a lot of reflecting, discomfort and changes in general. Growth is never painless.
My growth has been painful because of how much hurt I caused myself by refusing to look after myself. I wanted more than my body and mind was able to keep up with, my greed was out of control, materialistic, careless, addicted to not feeling and numbing myself to keep on self destructing.
This sums up my turbulent late teens to early 20's.
Today I still battle with the feelings I had been suppressing for most of my life but unlike then, I refuse to ignore them (try my hardest not to). I was so oblivious to what feelings actually felt like for many years. I had some shallow happiness in my life but it was of course not lasting happiness.
Last week I finally decided to cut alcohol out of my life.
I was having a major anxiety attack where I was trying to figure out a way to fix myself fast. I had been invited to a social gathering and I was struggling beyond what I could handle in that moment as it was a sudden invitation. I don't deal well with surprises in my daily life. My solution to my anxiety, in my irrational mind, was to have a few drinks, because it would solve my problem of feeling overwhelmed. Luckily this thought bothered me enough for me to have a sit down with myself and reflect.
My solution to all my feelings had for many years been alcohol.
In my mind I was just "a free spirit who enjoyed a buzz", in denial defending my vice/addiction. But as I am on a quest to be the best self I can possibly be in myself there was no question about what had to go. I have cut out so many negativity triggers in my life and I'm disappointed in how long it has taken me to get rid of this one.
I know it's not going to be easy as I still find myself trying to justify a drink in my head... But it's for my own good. I do believe I've numbed myself for long enough and I want, as mentioned, to be my best self. My best self for me.
I'm excited for the days of not feeling so pathetically drawn to numbing my anxiety and instead being able to work through my emotions.
And thank you guys, if you read this, for helping me by sharing your ways of dealing with anxiety on Instagram when it got to me a bit too much. ❤