Self love and personal growth: Learning to not guilt myself and taking my own advice.

Lately something has started to click in me.

I've become very aware of my patterns of neglect and have begun to give myself a breather if I don't feel like doing whatever I wrote on my to-do list in the morning.
I'm allowing myself to do what I want in the moment without making myself feel bad. I just promise myself to get back to it when I have a better plan.

This has helped me so much with my anxiety, I can actually enjoy my days and focus on a few chores without feeling sick to my stomach for not mopping or cleaning the windows or whatever task that seems ridiculous to stress about in retrospective. I can just chill. This is so new to me... And I never saw how damaging my old ways were until now.

I'm working hard on being my own sound board.
Trying to give myself advice I'd give to someone I care about, which as stupid as it sounds, I wasn't.
I think we've all been there, telling a loved one not to be too hard on themselves, that things will be fine, just relax, take some time to reflect etc. But we never take our own advice, at least not until very recently.

Haul: Darling Girl Cosmetics , second edition.

It's bedtime for me as I write this so I'm going to keep it short.

I wasn't in need of make-up and then magic appears in my Instagram feed (@cynthiaiskillikill). Damn it Susan!

So I ordered four of the new pressed mattes.

I'm sad and disappointed in myself for not getting them all.

I got a gloss which is amazing, will be searching it later this week.

Also ordered a new multi chrome thingy majiggy, which is ridiculous and I am so excited to get to wear more.

Everything is of high quality, the products are insanely pigmented and I actually swatched them without primer which I don't normally do as I can't wear shadows without so I don't want anyone thinking they're insanely pigmented if I have primer on.

I'm so impressed with the mattes, I was way too excited and had no self-control which resulted in a heavy dip into the brown shadow... I was not expecting it to be so intense! Tried to fix it by adding more mattes and made a mess. I'll try again tomorrow...

The GWP is Dark Horse, it's gorgeous!

And then a blush which I'm excited about as I have started using a lot more of it lately.

But that's my haul!

I'm off to bed before I go off rambling about food.

Gamma Ray as eyeliner topper.

See the shift?!

👌👌👌

Haul: MeruMaya, Integrative Effective Skincare.

It's been far too long since I had some MeruMaya products in my routine. The first product from this brand I tried and absolutely loved was the "Everything Everywhere Beauty Oil". I bought the full size once my sample ran out and then over the past two three years I've been on a continuous search for the perfect products for MY perfect routine. I feel like I'm getting there and my skin is looking its best, but enough about that, let's get into the haul!

First off, basics.

It's winter here so hand cream is an absolute must in this dry dusty time of the year, SPF is a huge plus, which to my surprise is really unusual in hand cream! 

Second, Melting Cleansing Balm. I'm a balm junkie. And I don't feel like my skin has been cleaned without a good balmy massage at the end of the day. Really excited to try this.

I got two " Overnight Recharge Night Cream" as there was a half off deal when I placed my order. Can't have too many firming and lifting creams! Finally in my thirties and I am going all in on skin pampering products.

Finally, toners.

I strongly believe in toners, I personally feel the difference in my skin when I haven't used one and these two excite me a lot.

I got one Gentle Exfoliating Toner and one Treatment Toner.

Caroline Hirons did a brand overview 8 months ago.

Click here to get to it!

(Will open in a new tab/window)

I'll report back with a review as I use the products but won't be too soon as I'm working through quite a bit of products right now. 

Let me know if you've tried anything from this brand and what you though of it!

Review: Bybi Beauty (part 3).

BABE BALM - NATURAL BEAUTY BALM
MULTI-PURPOSE BEAUTY BALM

I am completely sold on this product!
I have almost finished my 30ml tube after two - three months now. It's a very thick balm which quickly absorbs into the skin without leaving a film. It smells amazing. Everything from Bybi Beauty smells amazing, not synthetic/artificial fragrance but rather like opening a blender full of tropical fruit. 

I will absolutely buy this again, I will probably have to get the bigger size as I use it as a face, body, foot, hand and what not balm. Super pleased and can't say enough good things about this balm, highly recommend.

PRIME TIME - NATURAL CLEANSING SCRUB
PRIMING FACIAL POLISH

This one is tricky.I really wanted to like it but it really doesn't fit my skincare routine. I exfoliate twice a day with a flannel as I cleanse my face and that's all I ever need. This again, smells great but I don't think I'll purchase it. I can see people liking it, it leaves the skin nice and not stripped. I did prefer applying it on a dry face and massaging it in with damp hands then wetting them again for another good rub. Don't have anything bad to say about it, just doesn't fit my range right now. 


I still have the mask to review but it will be a long time before I can even justify opening it as I have a lot of masks to go through right now.

Make-up: Quitting the limited edition hype.

Big breath in, hold, and release...

So, I've decided to quit the hype.

What am I on about?

I'm going to stop buying limited edition make-up.
I've not really been one to buy many limited edition products to start with but when I do, I hoard them...
I will absolutely allow myself buying limited edition tools, bags and anything else that isn't a consumable.

I'm just over it.

I hate the lack of information surrounding limited editions and I really struggle with making decisions without a lot of material to research... Which is always the case.

Totally triggered by the Dose of Colours x iluvsarahii collaboration. I love it but there's no freaking information!!!
And my crazy ass starts stressing and it puts me in a bad mood.
So not worth it over make-up...
No more limited editions coming this way.

I'm just going to stick to regular stocks.
And let's be honest, it's not a loss, there's a hell of a lot of make-up out there I want... But always gets pushed aside due to hype and sales and what not.

So I'm starting today, committing to finishing my few limited edition items and stop being a hoarder of things I really like.
Such a stupid mentality...

Current go-to face (July 2018)

We're in the middle of winter in the southern hemisphere and I couldn't be happier!

This is the time of the year I get to slap on make-up without having to check on it every 10 minutes because of the humidity/heat. Being a make-up lover in a warm country really sucks... But I'm too stubborn not to wear it.

I didn't realize that I had a go-to face again.

I've been playing with lots of things in previous months but not done much shopping for what I'd consider fun things,it's mainly been basics such as mascara, concealer and primers I've been looking for.

My go-to fave has been consisting of the following:

Winged liner, I use a black liner as close as possible to the lash line then I top it with an eyeshadow with a cool shift or sparkle before it sets completely.

I haven't been doing eyeshadow on my lids for an unknown reason... Instead I've been focusing on my lower lash line.

I've been trying to use up as many products as possible lately and just adding a pop of colour on a daily basis has really helped me make space... Can soon justify getting some fun things (not that I don't have things on the way as I type this... But sshhhh let me have my moment of false pride).

Obviously still using highlighters.

Highlighters is the one thing I don't skip.

As for lips I've been going bolder as my eye looks have been more basic. To my surprise, I've managed to work through two tubes of lipstick in the past month alone.

I've become one of those people who don't feel awake until I put lipstick on... So yeah, need to look at getting a few now as I've never been the one to have more than 10 at a time.

What I've been looking like lately:

Check Instagram (@cynthiaiskillikill) for full make-up details.

Haul: Ve_Cosmetics.

This is my second order from Ve Cosmetics.

My first order consisted of lots of various foundation samples as I was still on the hunt for my perfect foundation. 

While I did like the foundation formulas I just realized that I love to engage in a lot of face planting into my pillow, puppy and husband... All which don't need make-up smears.

So I gave up on the foundation quest.

But since I did like the feel of the foundations I thought I would try the concealers instead!

But first I had to get more bath bombs!

I NEED a relaxing bath a day or I never fall asleep.

These bath bombs are nothing crazy with glitter and what not.

They're just pleasant aroma therapy treats 

I really have been enjoying the first liquid lipstick I got in my previous order and wanted another one. 

But due to the overwhelming amount of choices I went with a mystery lipstick! Which I think is genius!!!

I got this matte good shade, called Gold (obviously).

Not really what I'd wear all over my lips but it has been cool to use as a base and also as eyeshadow and eyeliner.

And then finally the concealers.

Super happy with these! The texture is great, doesn't dry down to crust and the mix of 2 & 3 is a perfect match for my pale face.

All round a successful order.

Swatches:

Top to Bottom:

Unicorn Too Liquid Lipstick in Gold.

Witchcraft Liquid Concealer in shade 3.

Witchcraft Liquid Concealer in shade 2.

BuJu Life: July.

Well, we're in the 7th month of the year.

Like... Wtf? A bit late but time has been a real thief lately! I don't even notice it... And poof! Gone!

Main spread:

Left: I've been going through my pictures and found a bunch that don't fit in my albums which I thought I'd use in my bullet journal. Here's the first picture I developed in a darkroom when I was 16. Below that I have a new tracker, it tracks reason/gaming, mindful practice and workouts. 

Right: Goals for the month and a space for random notes.

Left: Expenses. Nothing special here just a space for me to have a better visual of our expenses and what I need to keep in mind for coming months.
Right: My body tracking is basically a place I write a little something about how I've been feeling physically and mentally.

Left: Tasks, my little squats and push ups tracking, also a picture printed with my new toy; The Sprocket.

Right: Daily scheduled and more space for tasks.

And that's it!

Nothing crazy this month, still figuring out what I need and actually use rather than wasting space on unnecessary trackers and doodles.

Fashion: My capsule wardrobe goals.

I've seen the light!

I used to be one of those people who never wore anything more than once, maybe twice out during my clubbing days. I had not one, but three rooms where I stored my clothing. It became a big problem as I bought more than I would get rid off.

When my string of moves began with me going to live with my love, it quickly became a weird thing in my head. I missed my clutter so much! I moved with only 3 suitcases of clothing. Long story short, it has taken me just over 10 years to "cure" myself from the ridiculous consumer heavy mentality of having more makes you happy.

I have now decided to cut down and have set a goal, it will absolutely be my dream wardrobe with investment pieces rather than fast fashion.

My goal is for my wardrobe to consist of:

• 4 Shawls, I use them a lot around the house when it gets a bit cooler.
• 3 pairs of jeans, I want one skinny, one boyfriend style and a pair of longer baggy short style jeans.
• 10 Basic tops, a mix of t-shirts, tanks and strappy tops in neutral shades such as black, grey, khaki and beige. I can't have white, I'm a slob and always stain everything.
•  6 pairs of shoes, one pair of basic black sneakers, a basic peep toe stiletto, basic everyday ballerina, a pair of running shoes, biker boot and a flashy heel to perk up a basic jeans look.
• 4 Scarves, I love scarves!!! They just make me happy and change an outfit with minimal effort.
• 4 Dresses, I want two wrap dresses (think DvF), a black structured cocktail dress and a maxi dress.
• 4 Cardigans, plain ones with no agenda. Simply to keep warm when I need it.
• 10 Customized t-shirts, I can't imagine a life without my favorite cut shirts.
• 2 Blazers, one black and a checkered one, probably brown or grey.
• 4 Shirts, one basic white cotton shirt, and the rest faux silk shirts for added texture and versatility in my wardrobe.
• 4 Skirts, One flowy maxi summer skirt, one pencil, a flowy evening skirt and a smart casual jeans maxi for evenings/cooler time of the year. I don't really do short skirts anymore, used to love them but prefer shorts now as my body insists on sitting with one foot on the chair...
• 4 pieces of lounge wear, probably sweat pants and a hoodie or something.
• 4 bags, (not including luggage) one daily cross body, a small evening clutch, a shopper and a messenger or backpack for my gadgets.
• Jewelry, Underwear and socks is where I can go nuts.

I really think a small wardrobe is freeing.
I'm really excited about achieving this. It also just allows me to spend more time on my make-up as clothing will be more basic and not competing with my face. All round wins with this project.

I'm trying my best to help myself minimize anxiety in my everyday life. I feel like this will help a lot. And let's be honest, we reach for about half of our wardrobe...

Empties: Spring 2018.

This post always sneaks up on me as I suddenly can't close my "empties box" anymore... So here we go again! Hope you enjoy some of my trash.

By: Essence
What is it: Make-up Fixing Spray.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I don't mind it for my makeup playtime but I don't think this does anything, I'd rather buy a quality product I can use daily.

By: Dr. Hauschka.
What is it: Two Facial Toners and a Soothing Cleansing Milk.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I hated the Cleansing Milk, didn't like the result and smelled too much of alcohol. As for the toners, I've had better.

By: Sand & Sky
What is it: Detoxifying + Brightening Clay Mask.
Will I repurchase: Fuck no.
Why: This shit hurt my face so bad. There's a warning on the product which should have been enough for me to not use it at all. Not for me. First time in my life I've had a reaction.

By: Pixi
What is it: Glycolic Acid Toner.
Will I repurchase: Yes.
Why: I feel like it does something to my skin, I only use it at night and my skin has absolutely become more glowing since I started incorporating this into my routine.

By: Pixi
What is it: Glow Booster/Primer.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I didn't mind it, it's beautiful on its own and mixed into things but I have other "glow" products I prefer right now.

By: Skin Laundry.
What is it: Antioxidant, Vitamin, Peptide Night Serum.
Will I repurchase: Yes.
Why: I wasn't expecting anything from this to be honest but I really enjoyed it because it felt like it was doing something. Definitely helped with my redness overnight.

By: Yes To Cotton.
What is it: Micellar Cleansing Water.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I've used better and cheaper. I like the idea of the pump but I also don't care.

By: This Works.
What is it: Deep Sleep Pillow Spray.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I did get a second one already which I'm using. I sleep like shit, I wake up at least 10 times a night and I try anything that's not classified as a drug to help me relax. While I did enjoy the aromatherapy aspect of this, I don't believe it did much as it fades too fast.

By: Pixi
What is it: Minty/Plumping Lip Gloss.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: While I absolutely loved this product and feel like I've found something good I feel like I need to break it off now before I get stuck. I love lip products and have too many things to try before committing!

By: Barry M.
What is it: Waterproof Eyeliner.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: This worked fine for about a week and a half then it just lost pigment, it didn't dry our at all, just no pigment.

By: The Organic Pharmacy.
What is it: Vitamin C and Papaya Mask.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I did like this a lot, it did gently exfoliate and give results but I have tried better. Pleasant smell as well which is always a bonus as you gotta keep it on your face for a while.

By: Dirty Hippie Cosmetics
What is it: Hemp Lip Balm
Will I repurchase: Yes.
Why: This is my everything balm. It is so damn good to keep around at all times. I was having a lot of dry skin last year and this helped me through it. Lovely texture which feels nurturing and moisturising.

By: Colour Pop Cosmetics.
What is it: Lippie Stix.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I didn't finish these, I absolutely hated these shades on me. They made me look old, which I've never experienced before and since... Shades were Brink and Goal Digger.

By: Notoriously Morbid Cosmetics.
What is it: Metallic Liquid Lipstick (sample).
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I loved this formula, the shade was Ethereal and was so flattering. I'd absolutely recommend it but I will personally not buy it again as it's not vegan.

By: Spectral Spirits.
What is it: Shimmering Body Dusting Powder.
Will I repurchase: Yes.
Why: I love this. Nirvana is my favorite fragrance and I used this as a part of my nighttime routine during the summer on my body. It's so pretty and fine. Just a good pampering treat.

By: Dirty Hippie Cosmetics.
What is it: Finishing Powder with SPF.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I don't really use powder. This was a nice powder when I used it but I just didn't reach for it. As someone with dry skin I rather keep my glow through the day instead of mattifying it.

By: Baby Bat Beauty.
What is it: Gel Liner.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: While this was a great liner for the time I could use it I think I personally prefer a liquid liner. The container is also not the best, it doesn't close tightly but I don't know if that was just for me... Haven't asked the company.

By: Dirty Hippie Cosmetics.
What is it: Mineral Eyeshadows.
Will I repurchase: Yes.
Why: These lasted me FOREVER! It's 5g of product in each and I'm surprised I even managed to get through these as e rate I did. Both fool proof and awesome to use with mixing mediums as I would for some kickass eyeliners.

By: Dirty Hippie Cosmetics.
What is it: Mineral Lipstick.
Will I repurchase: No.
Why: I did really enjoy this while I was using it but then it kind of became a forgotten item at the back of my collection. It's really pigmented.

By: Super Drug Calm Skin.

What is it: Hydrating serum & moisturiser.
Will I repurchase: Yes.
Why: I love this. It's probably not the most amazing thing out on the market but I really enjoy how it feels as a finisher to my skincare routine at night. It plays nice with my other products so I'm happy.

Self love and personal growth: Choosing to not call myself vegan.

I've been on a plant based diet for 8 months now and I absolutely love it. Granted that it's a challenge at times in a third world country in the middle of Africa where meat culture dominates, which I find ridiculous for a country that sees itself as Christian (we'll leave this for another time).

I live my life as ethical as I can.
To me that means eating foods which didn't come to be through the manipulation of animals. Spending my money on items which helps an individual instead of a huge corporation when possible. Wearing clothes made by caring hands and brands who don't use slave labour. I do support people buying second hand, I think it's the way to go. I do so for my clothes when possible and try to only buy new accessories and underwear for obvious reasons. I invest in my wardrobe rather than fill it with impulse buys and fast fashion. I always look up a brand before buying and do my best to make sure no animal products were used in my items.

I suffer a lot from tension headaches and body cramps so I do take pills to help me as they just don't go away on their own fast enough. I understand that most medication has been tested in animals, even though it has been said to not be helpful as most animals don't have our physiology, diet, lifestyle and aren't exposed to the same things as us. I also understand that a lot of medication does contain animal derived ingredients. I always do my best to stay clear of these things but realistically, I can't quite yet. I don't know what the future holds but I do hope that we're not to far away from labs without animals and medication without animals... But until then, I will take the medication I need to function as a basic human being.

I try my best using things until they're no longer functional. This is another part where I get into trouble and get into a grey area as I do have a few items in my collection which I bought before my ethical journey began and aren't vegan or slow fashion. I refuse to contribute to pollution by doing something so stupid as purging my life of all non vegan items just because it doesn't fit my new view, it doesn't make sense! If I bought it, I'll use it. Everything I have bought in the past year has been thoroughly looked at an researched before making it into my shopping basket.

Another thing I try to do is buy beauty products which have eco friendly packaging and where possible has the lowest carbon footprint which is really hard for me as I have to get everything sent to me through regular mail plus a courier to get to me in Zambia! I always shop cruelty free and all beauty/food/clothing I buy now is vegan without any exceptions.

The thing that pisses me off now is how negative the term vegan has become due to people preaching aggressively towards those who aren't vegan, people who haven't give thought to what they consume because they just don't question tradition. I don't agree with this behaviour under any circumstances, be it religion, diets, science, politics or anything else. Preaching aggressively will only distance a dialogue which is the most important thing we can have to get on equal ground. I often see terms as "militia vegans" or simply "crazy vegans". Being vegan, in my eyes, is vague, I think it is more of a diet with animals in mind rather than a full ethical way of living at this point. And this is why I don't consider myself vegan, I'm plant based living ethically.

We live in a difficult time where we are constantly being challenged and it can be hard to do what's right and best for the bigger picture when we are taught that having more and fast is a sign of wealth... We have been doing this for so long that the scale has tipped and many don't know what to do anymore as they're stuck with too much, with too little time and shitty health slowly killing themselves and their surroundings.

It's a horrible picture to look at when you take a step back to really reflect on what we've become and how manipulated we are. We're so disengaged from each other, so addicted to our consumption high, so blind to what we do with our bodies... And to our environment in the name of greed. This world is sick. Sick from the disease called instant gratification. We want everything NOW! And we want it cheap. No one stops to ask what they're paying for, what they're eating, what they're truly sponsoring...

Sorry if this post bummed anyone out... Wasn't my intention. I just wanted to clear things up as there has been a lot of debate online. I personally want to be reasonable. I struggle a lot with this as I contradict myself a lot due to still figuring myself out. I don't see that stopping anytime soon as I don't think I'll ever stop questioning and analyzing myself.

But there we go, why I don't call myself vegan... There's just no short way of saying it.

BuJu Life: June.

I still don't quite understand where this year has gone, we're half way through!!! How even?!

One of the things I've been very grateful for this year is figuring out bullet journaling. It has helped me manage my anxiety and has been a fun project to play with for an hour or so in the morning/evening which helps me relax and put things into perspective.

I have finally figured out a spread that works for me!

After lots of trial and error I've managed to narrow down my months to a few pages with the essentials.

Main Spread:

Left: I tried the whole artsy one (even two) page art work but it never really resonated with my needs. I now keep my "title" to half a page from my notepad. Under the title I have my important dates and below that my workout trackers. Took me quite a while to figure this one out as I want to do lots but my body/mind doesn't always let me. So to keep myself from feeling more pressure and then feel bad about missing out I chose to do two activities a week to push myself a bit physically as it helps me clear my mind.

Right: My goals column and media plan. My media plan has turned into a fun page, last month I challenged myself to figure out recording short videos. Took me all month to figure it out to get to a presentable level, I have far to go but I mainly use this page to dive into new things, to keep myself from getting stuck in a rut which is so easy on social media...

Second spread:

Left: Expenses... Not the most fun page but probably one I shouldn't be without. I have a little "Spending Priorities" Post it with the things I want to get for myself or need and also a little "Coming Expenses" to make sure I have a clear idea of what's ahead and what I need to save for.

Right: My body tracker. This has been a very interesting page for me to have. I started this last month and I really enjoy it. I write down how I feel mentally and physically, keeping it short and focusing on what's been good.

Third Spread:

My daily planning/goals/to do. I don't do more than one day at a time. I can't. It stresses me out and makes me not want to use my bullet journal... I have a little note with daily tasks. These daily tasks might seem very straight forward but I have a lot of days when I don't even want to get out the bed... So in an effort to keep myself feeling human I have started this little daily task list. I've only been doing it for two weeks but it has helped. I make sure I look presentable and this keeps me from getting back into bed halfway through the day.

I really like how my spreads are turning out.

It does take time to narrow down the trackers, doodles, calendar etc as you only know what you want once you've tried it. This is only my third month bullet journaling and I already hate the start of my planner! Things will probably change more as I get more used to dedicating time to doing this.

Haul: Violeteyes Cosmetics Haul (Ve_cosmetics)

I have for the past two years been sticking to make-up brand lists I make at the end of each year to help myself from going all sorts of crazy when buying make-up... This year I made an exception for ve_cosmetics as I kinda got over one of the brands I had previously put on my list for a few reasons but mainly because I want to buy from vegan brands... I also ran out of eyeliner very suddenly and emergencies require swift action!!! 

Click picture to get to Ve_cosmetics page and make sure to follow her on her social media platforms for updates and deals! (Not sponsored or affiliated)

So here's what I ordered:
Two Stress/Depression & Anxiety Bath Bombs.
A mystery lipstick, I received the shade 3am which I'm totally in love with ( Click Here to see it on).
Pink lemonade lip scrub (smells amazing).
Pocket rocket eyeliner.
Feline good eyeliner.
And a bunch of samples of foundations as I'm still on the hunt for my perfect shade to match my indoor complexion.

Lipstick wand. It's a harder tip than most which makes a precise application. I normally have to use a lip brush as most applicators are kinda shitty honestly... I also have very shaky hands.

Eyeliner tip comparison.

I've used a few of the things but can't really do a proper review.
I can however vouch for the Feline Good liner as I wore it yesterday for 16 hours without it smudging which I usually struggle with.

Anyhow!
That's my haul for now!
Excited to make time to figure these foundations out and use those bath bombs as they smell gorgeous!

Let me know if you've tried anything from Ve cosmetics and what you'd recommend! I'm eager to try more stuff!